Saturday, 31 March 2018

Tampered thoughts

Tampered thoughts

(based on fake rumors)

Reality TV never had it so good. The last few days have been the most exhilarating, entertaining, elevating, etc., etc. The great ball tampering saga was packed with all the elements of a corporate thriller; leadership, teamwork, whodunit (rather how many done it), emotions (50 shades of anger), retribution and remorse (?).
We decided to recognize a few  individuals who have made outstanding contributions, with some very special awards, crafted for the occasion.

Investigator of the year award

For his role in identifying the usual suspects in double quick time and doling out punishments by popular as well as prime ministerial demand. Special kudos for never once mentioning the C-word ( the word that must not be named). His press conferences have left us gasping for more…


James Sutherja-land

What he wanted to say but didn’t: “Shame on them for getting caught and worse, admitting it! “

What he was thinking but didn’t want to say: “Damage control done. Scapegoats punished.  My job as CEO safe, as long as no one else opens his mouth.”

Yesman of the year award

Move aside Superman, Batman and Spiderman; Yesman has arrived..For the man who doesn't have the word  ‘No’ in his dictionary...

Camera on ban croft

                                     (Note: Face hidden for confidentiality purposes)

What he might have said: “Yes sir, your wish is my command.”

What he might have wanted to add: “ The boss is always right. I am desperate to bag the best subordinate title. In any case, I wanted to ‘polish’ up on my ‘baiting’ technique.”


Budding PR professional of the year award

For his expertise in transforming an avalanche of disgust and hatred into widespread sympathy, in a matter of minutes….

Silky Smith

What he said: “To the best of my knowledge, this was the first time. Boo Hoo.”

What he might have wanted to add: “But then, I never said that I am too knowledgeable. Oh no, I am experiencing another brain fade moment right now. Boo Hoo

What he also said: “It hurts... Boo Hoo.”

What he might have wanted to say: “What really hurts is that we still lost 2 test matches in South Africa despite trying all possible…. Boo Hoo.”


What he might have wanted to say: “What really hurts is that I didn’t get another chance. How is that even fair? After so many chances in the past, would one more have been such a big deal? Boo Hoo.”


The expert adviser of the year award

For his keen observations and expert advice to team, the media, the fans, the investigator,  the Australian Prime Minister, at every stage....

Shaana Warne

What he said:” We are all so hurt and angry and maybe we weren't so sure how to react. We'd just never seen it before.

What he might have meant: “..we had never seen anyone getting caught before...See no evil, hear no evil, but non-committal for do no evil. If they had only taken mum’s advice, everything would have been ok.”


The meaningful insight of the year award

For the most thought provoking insight. The only non Australian to win an award here….

Faff du Please

What he said: “Ball shining versus ball tampering are two very different situations and one is much more serious than the other.”

What he might have wanted to say but didn’t : “Better them than me.”

Best supporting role of the year award

 For his role in trying to emulate his ex- captain but not necessarily with the same result (an inherent flaw in the follower strategy as compared to the first mover one). But full marks for trying.

D’avid Warrior



What he said: “I apologize unreservedly for my part in this..”

What he might have wanted to add but didn’t : “ and for my part only. Not for anyone or anything else.”

What he was thinking but didn’t say: “ I ain’t gonna reveal what my exact part was either…”

What he had said in 2016: “From an Australian cricket perspective: we hold our heads high and I'll be very disappointed if one of our team-members did that.”

Silence of the year award

It’s just that we had an extra award and decided to give it away in prior anticipation to ….

Dare to Lieman

What he said: “……?????…..”  (Remains a mystery; a possible cue for a delectable saga sequel).

What he might have said: “Stop flying the kite, mate…there’s a sandstorm brewing.”


What he definitely didn’t want to say: Kyonki 'darr' ke age resignation hai.”

Star of the year Award 

For its role in finally speaking out, after decades of being stepped upon.

Mr. Season Ball


 What it said: “Nobody rubs me the wrong way and gets away, any more.”

Teacher of the year award

For its role in coming out from hiding and bringing about a new inner awakening…

Mr. Sandpaper

What it said:" If you want to face life's curve-balls, you need to be rough and tough."

What it also said: "Scrub away the exterior and unleash thy inner self. It's all about inner beauty."

We tried to get  a reaction from the Indian team captain, who was in the midst of practicing some Bhangra dance steps. He only replied with a cryptic, “ Jodi keo daak shuney toh naa, tobey ekla cholo re, elka cholo, eklo cholo, ekla cholo re.”

Alas, all good things come to an end as we reluctantly go back  to the daily humdrum of our lives and deal with far less important and boring issues like bank money leaks, exam paper leaks, data leaks, etc.

Now that everyone has gone home unhappy, one final question from fans like me facing withdrawal symptoms:

“Sequel kab hai, bhai ?”

source of cartoons:

source of  Pics:

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