Friday, 24 May 2013

A tryst with Royalty, a ‘Rann’ in the saltlands of Kutch and a heady Mafia cocktail –

Note – If this  blog invokes jealousy in the hearts of those who have been to Gujarat but have never been able to savor a visit to jungle land or the great white desert, then the blog would have achieved its purpose.

Lessons from Gujarat’s Jungle excursion – Gir

If you are really looking for some excitement, then get down from your vehicle & pat a ferocious looking lion, assuming you spot one. The idiot who  said “ dar ke aage jeeth hai” obviously didn’t face a lion, one on one. And yes, these jungle types haven’t heard of mountain dew. 

“To eat or not to eat, is the question !  searching for the chap who said kyonki cheetah bhi peeta hai”

If you wish to play it safe and still keep bragging rights, then you can always get to pat plastic avatars...but do make sure that they ARE plastic ! This is one time where you do not want original stuff. .  And yes, you need not be an expert and this stunt can be done at home also. But do check the rule book on molestation of the jungle beings and their look alikes.

“ Paapi picture ke liye kuch bhi karna padhta hai ( will do anything for a sinful picture)…make sure you pull ears from behind and always be ready to run, just in case…you never know “

When you hear someone laughing even though you are not the funny types, then chances is that a pack of hyenas waiting for their next meal. And you better hope that you are tall, else you should piggyback someone.

You are in Gujarat and you have not played the dandiya ??? You have got to be kidding. Now’s your chance. Check out the Antlers, they surely look bored, and should be willing to accept your invitation. Of course, antler behavior is not guaranteed. 

“Anybody for Dandia ? Or how about some Pakda – Pakdi (catch catch)? we play with the lions, but those chaps don’t play fair”

In case you wish to challenge the king of the jungle to a duel, you may want to plan for Z category security.  The important  attribute for selecting a security guy is that you should be able to run faster than any of them.

The challenge ---“There can be only one king of the jungle…where are you hiding ?.Agar himmat hai, toh samne aah ( If you have guts, come in front). And there is no need to take me seriously…”

For those who come this far and are still not able to book an appointment with the jungle king, fret not ! you can get to buy souvenirs as a consolation prize, with the king( or queen) bracing your chest. You don’t want to be telling the world that you came so far and didn’t spot any.

“Growl, growl…this pose should make people piss in their pants ! hey, why is that dog pissing near the bus ? and why is that stupid kid laughing ??”. 

Lion king on T-shirts “ I am ashamed to be here…wish this T-shirt could turn totally black”

Notes from the namkeen Switzerland of Gujarat

Forget to take your camera, so that you will NEVER ever forget to carry the camera on your next trip.

Surf Excel or P&G Tide ?  Arrey, bhaad mein gaye dono (x*&%$),  Rann of Kutch is the undisputed king of safedi (white). Film makers please take note, there is no need to freeze your heroines to death in chiffon sarees in Switzerland anymore, when one can Rann to  Kutch.

Gulliver’s Travels – Fact or Fiction ? This debate was resolved once and for all 

“Stricken cries  of help from hapless fellows trapped in The Giant’s palm, who looks all set to have his afternoon snack”

It is advisable to carry old newspapers to sit on, else one will land up with wet b*** which later transform magically into white. If you do land up with a wet b**, make sure you have company, else people will mistakenly think you were surreptitiously ………, when no one was looking ! But it does make for a great guessing game…WHOSE  B** IS IT ANYWAYS

“Think you are good in dart board games ? well here’s your chance …but hell hath no fury like hitting bulls eye !”

Aim high, reach for the skies…Keep trying  and  each time you will just end up  with more salt

Modigliani and Miller’s modified rule in play here “ It doesn’t matter how you jump, you WILL end up with bruised knees”. Knee doctor – “This is good for business and future cash flows. I estimate that over 50% of these guys will be going in for knee replacements 10 years from now”

Don’t be surprised if you spot a UFO. It is definitely not a plane,  bird or even Superman, but your humble Frisbee.

“So much fuss over one damn Frisbee !! maybe next time each of us should get one..”

Evolution of homo sapiens  explained in a single snap

3 stages –Tired woman – Burdened man – Frisbee man (trying to pass off as Lord Krishna)

Want to know how it feels getting your ar** kicked around  ?

“Messi, go take a hike, my kick is more powerful than yours”

If you want to get acquainted with our diversity and knowledge of cuss words, visit Rann  during a moonless night . There is no trace of white, its all pitch black. And yes, if you cellphone runs out of battery and you don’t even have a torch, well, then I will pray for you

Salty Kung Fu .. take a bow at the awesomeness, Kungfu panda !!

Snake in the Monkey’s shadow. Now if only a snake could be present, this pic would be complete”. 
Caution – Practicing aim is important, else you could unwittingly cause disability to the other person..

Lie on your back and watch the stars and say this is the north star, or that is Venus… you will seem very wise and few will in a position to challenge one, besides, the finger pointing can always be vague 

BMW’s, Mercs, Audis, move aside !! The new status symbol is in town ..

Yanna Rascala ( $%#@), make way for the future of Automovil”

For those aspiring to be professional photographers, here are a few tips

  • Search for the profound…everything around us has meaning and purpose, we just need to search for it. For ex. Tea pots and pans

Observe how the sun rays fall majestically on half the pot, while half is covered in shadow, in the backdrop of standing bikes. The master stroke is the Hitchcockian hand reaching out for the pot, even though there is no trace of tea. And yes, not a single fly hovering. Simply brilliant !  

  • The classic “Pulitzer“ pic 

“ I hope to feature on New York Times cover some day.OR maybe I can cure  people of insomnia by asking them to count the goats in this pic.  If nothing else, I can check out how thin I really was 20 years from now.”

  • Making a pic good to GREAT ( and no, Jim Collins has nothing to do with this) Tag  your pic with erudite sounding captions. In example below, choose any of the captions below….

                                                               IN PURSUIT OF ENLIGHTENMENT

                                                     HOWZATT, UMPIRE ?

                                                     HELPPP, I’M STUCK !!!

  • Follow the professional photographer …click whatever he/s she clicks, if nothing else, take the photographer’s pics.

“I don’t know what the hell you are clicking, so I will just aim at what you are aiming at….by the way, don’t know why are YOU making that pose lying down in the salt...maybe there is some genius here or maybe you are plain tired…heck with it, will take your photo, its more interesting”

  • Capturing the expressions of those who could not make this trip would also make for a great award winning pic !

Parting shot - Don’t ever complain that your food has too much salt. We just can’t appreciate what’s free (almost anyways)!!

Mafia addiction - Whodunit

Antakshari during boring bus journeys, is old hat, where one would wish the bus made more noise to overcome the cacophonous torture... Mafia has everything  – betrayals, murders, , anger,  hatred, , laughter,  strategy and is tailor made for a bunch of MBA types  who love to yakk away ... so the game  is divided into 3 sets of characters – mafia, villagers and arbitrator. The role of mafia  is to systematically kill the villagers without arousing suspicion, role of villagers is to detect mafia, while the arbitrator ensures everyone plays by the rules .......some characters voluntarily kill themselves after they have had too much of the yakking.  ..… ironically those who tried to convince the others that they were not “killers”, were the first to be booted out of the game, demonstrating that life is not fair…

Statutory warning – This game is an addiction, some of the players could take this game a little too seriously, with sulking being the pre dominant after effect.

Pictures shown above used for representational purposes only and are not meant to be associated with the persons shown. The comments accompanying the pictures are not meant to offend anyone’s sensibilities, and if it does, I would like to apologize for the same. 
Courtesy of the pictures – Kaustubh Patwardhan, Viral Sura, Shubhonil Ghoshal, Nithin Devarajan